Parenting in the time of COVID-19
- Abbey Colucci
- Apr 16, 2020
- 12 min read
Updated: May 2, 2020
As with any parent or person living with child(ren)*, I am finding this experiment in family isolation trying.
I am a natural introvert, which is beneficial during this time, but I also struggle with balancing my needs, my work, and my kid's needs. My kid is struggling, too, and my heart feels for her.
Pre-pandemic, when I'd come home from work she was my focus. Since I only had about 2-3 hours a weekday to spend with her, being with her on non-work hours was my priority. Me being home-but-working has really thrown her and she's rebelling. She does understand to a point, but it's hard for even elected leaders to understand so I have to cut her some slack.
Being four is chaos at the best of times, but a pandemic kid is a state of entropy.
When the kid gets into a mood, it's 360 stress, anxiety, and tears (from both of us). It's mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing and I find myself losing patience way more than I used to. My husband and I are exasperated and exhausted with just the kid, all the while still juggling our work deadlines and the kid's mood swings.
Of course, my kid's needs take precedence over anything else. Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb of The Atlantic emphasized "setting the emotional tone" when she wrote, "How parents respond emotionally to a challenge, whether it’s a family crisis or a global one, greatly influences how their kids do." I'm not going to harp on prioritizing kids' needs, (you can read my last blog post for more social-emotional support), but kids need their parents to guide them on how to react, how to cope, & how to understand what's happening so they know we someone is in charge (even if we don't feel it!).
In fact, there are hundreds of articles about supporting a child's mental health during the pandemic. There are also hundreds of articles about looking after your own mental health with incredibly helpful tips like "Create a new daily routine that prioritises looking after yourself" (Mental Health UK) and "Things like getting good sleep, eating regularly, staying hydrated, exercising. When we take care of our body, with good sleep in particular, but certainly food and water, our ability to think clearly, our ability to solve problems, our ability to manage our emotions, are all optimized" (Washington Post). It's not that these tips are bad, per say, but . . . what about the people who struggled before the pandemic? What about the people who were at their limits or are now spiralling into an emotional, anxiety-filled rollercoaster? Mothering with a mental illness is one thing, but mothering with a mental illness during a pandemic is almost unprecedented.
The Nitty Gritty Data
There are an estimated 1 in 10 people globally (10.7% of the world) who suffer from some type of mental health disorder (Global burden of disease studies). If you're interested in mental health stats, Ritchie & Rosie produced an amazing document with lots of visuals based off the Global burden of disease study.
As a modern society facing unprecedented events and leadership, our mental health futures are in question. A dubious study claimed the world is on the brink of a mental health pandemic after COVID-19. Though its claims should be taken with a grain of salt until more research and data are available, previous studies have found an increase in mental health disorders after traumatic health events. A 2009 study on the aftermath of SARS noted, "among 90 residents of Hong Kong who were infected with Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) and survived, 23 had posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and 14 had depressive disorders 30 months after their infection." Health care workers are especially at risk. Even years after the SARs outbreak of 2003, "healthcare workers in hospitals that treated SARS patients had significantly elevated rates of signs of chronic stress compared to workers in other similar hospitals" (Applying the Lessons of SARS to Pandemic Influenza).
During the 2014 Ebola outbreak, JAMA noted, "The WHO director-general subsequently described how fear behaviors have propelled Ebola virus transmission, citing symptomatic patients escaping from treatment units, families concealing sick relatives at home, preferential use of traditional healers, and physical contact with infectious corpses."
A 2010 study following up the trauma from Hurricane Katrina found, "The prevalence of probable serious mental illness doubled, and nearly half of the respondents exhibited probable posttraumatic stress disorder."
A 2006 study looking at the mental health of Tsunami affected people in Thailand found, "elevated rates of symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, and depression were reported 8 weeks after the disaster, with higher rates for anxiety and depression than PTSD symptoms."
After the 2011 Japanese Tsunami, researchers found "A total of 42.6% of the respondents had moderate or serious mental health problems." An article about the SARS outbreak through NCID summarizes how fear affects mental health:
Fear of SARS arose from the underlying anxiety about a disease with an unknown cause and possible fatal outcome. Stigmatization of potential SARS patients emerged early in the outbreak, as global media reported dramatic stories from Asia in print media, television, and the Internet . . . Fear is further fueled when infection control techniques and restrictive practices such as quarantine and isolation are employed to protect the public’s health. While exclusionary practices based upon the best available scientific evidence may be scientifically and ethically sound for one population, those same practices may not be sound for all populations. During the SARS outbreak, some persons became fearful or suspicious of all people who looked Asian, regardless of their nationality or actual risk factors for SARS, and expected them to be quarantined.
Social Support
Conversely, there are things trauma survivors have benefited from that have mitigated mental health issues resulting from trauma. A 2014 study looking at the mental health of Japanese Tsunami victims noted, "analysis showed that participants without social support had a higher risk of psychological distress." If we consider drug addiction as trauma, groundbreaking studies involving mice, drugs, and social support found drug-addicted rats, "consistently chose social interaction" when given the choice between drugs or friends and even heavily addicted rats avoided relapse "by repeatedly choosing social interaction did not demonstrate this incubation effect" (NIDA).
So, other people *may* be the answer to some of our mental health issues, but what do we do when we don't have access to people (and maybe are introverts, too)? I have not figured out this whole coping thing, especially with having a kid and especially while going through COVID-19 isolation but I have accumulated some coping tips I would like to extend to you:
Isolation & Mental Health: Coping Strategies
1) Change your social media habits.
Okay, didn't I just say being social could help mental health and now I'm saying get off of social media? Yes. Wait, no. Well . . . sort of.
Social media is not *really* all that social. Social media shows a heavily polished, tightly curated version of people that the average person who sits around in their PJ bottoms and orders takeaway 4 nights a week really don't need to see right now. If you've been sitting in the same bathrobe for six days covered in jam and chocolate, what does seeing this perfected view of friends, families, & celebrities do? It messes with you. Social media makes us unnecessarily competitive, increases "one-upmanship", and the overwhelming deluge of oftentimes conflicting information can make you feel like shit. More than one in 10 moms believe that social media make them feel more isolated rather than more connected and six out of 10 parents feel like social media pressures them into perfectionism. If you follow someone on social media that makes you feel like shit, stop following them right now. You never need that in your life and you definitely don't need that now.
Also, your social media use affects your kids. Yeah, this sucks. Researchers found that kids who perceive their parents use their mobiles too much have, "20 per cent drop in verbal interactions, 30 per cent drop in non-verbal communications and 28 per cent drop in moms encouraging their children" (Parent distraction with phones, 2016). A 2017 NHS study also found, "Perceived technoference in mother-child interactions was linked to child behavioural problems . . . However, perceived technoference in father-child interactions was not linked to behavioural issues."
So, moms are more not only more likely to use social media that makes them feel like crap, but using our cell phones "too much" (as perceived by our children) causes poor behaviour as well. Thanks, science!
2) Seek out support
If used in authentically, social media can provide much-needed social support for people struggling. When we try to present our authentic selves (and follow authentic people) that present an imperfect view of our lives, social media can truly help us. This can come in the form of a social media group or making video dates with your friends. You don't need to talk about anything serious; in fact, it's probably better if you just talk about how much you hate Paw Patrol or how wrecked your house is because it's now a daycare centre. It doesn't matter. Be genuine because everyone is going through something shitty right now and it's okay to be the first to admit it.
Find people who parent like you in an honest way. I have some amazing friends that show the reality of their situations without hesitation, friends who say they are struggling and need support, friends who call their children assholes and terrorists, and friends who don't feel the need to compete. No one knows what the hell they're doing, but even if they parent perfectly, they are parenting their kids, not yours. No one except my husband and I have dealt with our kid pitching a tantrum because she woke up too early and no one except my husband and I have developed a way to deal with that. It's the same for you. I have no idea if your kid is an argumentative little jerk or a perfect puke, but I do know I'm hear to listen to my friends complain honestly about their day-to-day struggles.
3) Control the information
When He Who Shall Not be Named was elected to presidency in 2016, I shut off the news. I have always been a soul-crushing empath who can’t separate myself from the world’s problems, so when a person with so little kindness, empathy, or humility was elected to office I had to step away or else I would struggle between the sickness of wanting to save the world and wanting to into the defeat of my own inadequacies.
I'm shutting off the news now, too. Not exactly to the same extent as I did in 2016, but just enough so I know what's going on without getting bombarded with statistics, worse-case scenarios, and the idiocy of people.
4) Be kind.
Depression and anxiety are really selfish diseases. I hate them, but since I've struggled with depression my whole life, I've often set goals for myself to break me out of my self-centred loathing. One year, my goal was to compliment a different person each day. Whether it was someone on the bus wearing a gorgeous coloured skirt, a teacher who walked in the library looking especially chipper, or an email I received that gave me a smile, I set out to praise. I found this to be a tremendous exercise that still impacts me to this day.
Kindness comes in many forms and it's your decision how to go about this, but moving the focus from you to others is essential. My husband, kid (who is having some gratitude problems at the moment), and I will be making crafts to mail to our friends and families. We've also decorated our windows with Christmas lights and chalk up the sidewalk with inspirational messages every few days. My 4-year-old even thought of filming a TV show for her friends & our family.
Start Caremongering by picking up groceries for neighbours, donating to food banks. Look up some collective care groups in your local area. Write a letter to an elder. Try your hand at creating face masks (& make sure to share with your community!).
Even simpler: create some art for Getty and inspire others to do the same. Connect with friends & family through Netflix's new Watch Party. Get a colouring book and start colouring
with your kids. Start blogging or microblogging about new shows you're watching or how much your kids drive you crazy to connect with other families. Watch Tiger King & tweet your reactions. Read books with your kids. Listen to podcasts. Take up a new hobby like crotchet or - hahaha I'm just kidding you've got kids. Look at all these things you and your fam can do to connect with the world around you.
If you're really struggling, be kind to yourself. Though the above suggestions seem simple, they're really grandiose steps for people with severe depression and may not be achievable. That's okay. Right now, you need to practice self-care. Take a walk with your kids. Sit outside. Chalk the sidewalk. Remind yourself you're not the only one who struggles.
5) Remember your physical health.
Okay, so there are a lot of articles about safeguarding mental health during COVID-19 and they all talk about keeping healthy but, as my baker-friend said, "Carbs have never tasted so good." So, eat your carbs, but get outside and take a walk. Personally, I find leaving the house incredibly helpful on days when I'm pulling my hair out.
Try not to stay up too late, because losing sleep is awful on your mood. Sleep deprivation is tied closely to ADHD, depression, and anxiety. Stop your news spiral before you accelerate into the abyss of current events and be sure to only read reliable news. Start a dedicated exercise or mindfulness time to have with your kids. Keep a gratitude journal.
For those really struggling, go take a shower. Play video games with your kid. Buy yourself a new Sims game. Dye your hair. Paint your nails or give yourself a shave. Have a movie day and don't get out of your pajamas. I often feel like it's the little things that spiral me into depression, but it's also the little things that help bring me out.
6) Let the kids be alone.
My parents never played with me as much as play with my kid and I don't know why I feel obligated to play with her as much as I do. I'll tell you this, though: BOREDOM IS BENEFICIAL.
My kid is an only child, so her entertainment is left solely to her father and I; however, while she is home from school we cannot play with her 8 hours a day. We have our own work, we are tired, and she legit talks nonstop and kind of sucks my life force out (re: introvert). We are helping her learn to play on her own by giving her assignments like creating the alphabet out of dough and leaving her to it or allowing her to paint paper tubes. It's really amazing to see her creativity sore, it just takes a bit of guidance.
7) Ask for help
I struggle with asking for help despite knowing that asking for help is not weakness.
Strength comes in many forms. Emotional strength comes through being resourceful and embracing uncomfortable feelings, like vulnerability and embarrassment. When we are emotionally strong, we understand our limits and can ask fo help. Psychology today author Dr. Joan Rosenberg notes, "When you are willing to lean on those who offer their help and support, you become more centered and calmer. That sense of inner peace is another outgrowth of emotional strength" (What Makes It So Hard to Ask for Help?).
In turn, when we receive help and then show our gratitude to others, this honours their contribution to our lives making it more likely they will ask for help when they need it. In my house, we call that "filling our buckets," a phrase taken from the book Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids.
All of these tips have the central theme of humanness. It's so important we genuinely connect to our friends, family, and to society to support our, and others', health. Especially during this time of uncertain pandemic-ness, we need to embrace our humanity and be kinder to ourselves and others.
*I understand the stress isn't centralized to parents. Everyone is feeling a bit out-of-sorts right now, but my experience as a parents comes through in this article; however, these tips are applicable whether you have kids or not.
Cited:
Chan M. Ebola virus disease in West Africa—no early end to the outbreak. N Engl J Med. 2014;371(13):1183-1185.
Koyama, Shihoko, et al. "Social support improves mental health among the victims relocated to temporary housing following the Great East Japan Earthquake and Tsunami." The Tohoku journal of experimental medicine 234.3 (2014): 241-247.
APA
Gottlieb, L. 2020. Dear Therapist: What’s Your Advice to Parents Whose Kids Are Stuck at Home During the Coronavirus Lockdowns. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/04/dear-therapist-how-can-i-help-my-kids-deal-pandemic/609442/
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